a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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