We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
