Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize