I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
