He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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