Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
