Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
