My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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