ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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