woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
