Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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