am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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