Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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