Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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