Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
