My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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