1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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