everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
