one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
