I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
