Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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