My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
