Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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