I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize