She said her name was "party"
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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