i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
