He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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