Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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