Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize