i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
