i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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