you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
