u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
we made out on top of his cat.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
