so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
