New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
