I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
