There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Girls should come with a carfax report
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
