Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
