dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
