When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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