No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
