So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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