my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
