shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
