Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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