I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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