What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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