guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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