I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize