just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
