I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
