im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Panties = found
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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