dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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