I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
