I just cut my nipple shaving
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
