The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
