i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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