Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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