i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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