is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize