Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
