imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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