The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
